It's not your fault

Here's what I've felt guilty about over the years. I'm working on it but most of them still flare up every now and again.

• Not socialised enough
• Socialised too much
• Not enough enrichment
• Not enough rest
• Not enough exercise
• Too much exercise
• Not having a private entrance
• Not having a bigger garden
• Too much daycare
• Not leaving him alone enough
• Leaving him alone too much
• Not enough training
• Not having the energy or time for more training
• Too much training
• Dog attack
• Dog chasing him
• Choosing to go there that day
• My own anxiety
• Not being able to find the cause
• Not having others to help
• Being a sole carer
• Going home to visit my family within his first year

Those are some of the George-related ones. And then there are all the ones relating to other people:

• Friends having to come here
• Not being able to attend events
• Being so restricted when my parents visit
• Not being able to hang out with my friend and her new baby
• Not being able to attend work functions

A huge amount of regret on top of guilt are the times George got attacked and got chased. We had spent months and months building his confidence and he was doing so well.  He was reliably off lead everywhere. I have so much regret that I chose to go to those places that day.

But, I have learned from several dog behaviourists who I trust that it's not your fault.

Yes, I made mistakes along the way. Every dog owner does, particularly new dog owners. But for a non-anxious dog, the mistakes are more forgiving.  I have learned that resilient dogs can recover fine; for fearful dogs everything can have a lasting impact.

I try to remember that every dog owner with a non-reactive dog is not perfect. They're lucky.

I still think everyone thinks it's me; my anxiety, I did socialisation wrong, I messed him up, it's her first dog and she doesn't know what she's doing. That's tough and I'm working on it.

When the vet behaviourist described George as "highly anxious", it was both confronting and validating.

I genuinely believe his genetics are so strong, reactivity was an inevitable outcome. I would never have been able to protect him from every scary experience (although I could have done better). He's scared of absolutely everything. But I have learned so much along the way.

I see guilt so often in the reactive dog support groups. Unless you have mistreated your dog, (and the people in these groups are usually doing everything they can to support their dog), IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I often see people thinking their anxiety caused their dog's anxiety. Again, from experts I trust; yes, they will sense your anxiety, but unless they are anxious already, it's not going to impact their entire view of the world.

These are complex, special, sentient beings. A non-fearful dog can shake off an incident. We have to desensitise a new kettle.