I had a low moment recently which took me a little while to snap out of.
We'd had a great morning - George was chilled, resting well and not reacting to neighbourhood noises.
Literally 3 minutes before we were due to leave to meet my friend for our weekly walk, the black cat strolled across our garden fence.
George's reaction was, as always, explosive.
I delayed leaving as long as I could and he calmed a little. As soon as we stepped out of the front door though, he went absolutely crazy.
He always finds the path outside the front door challenging, but this was something else.
There must have been the scent of a cat there as he was frantically careening all over the place (obviously on a short lead).
I tried picking him up as this often calms him and it sounded like someone was murdering a pig. He was beside himself.
I made a split second decision to retreat to the house. We were about halfway to the car at this point.
On our last walk, we experienced some triggers (two boys on bikes) right at the beginning of the walk and it was a challenging walk. So it was fresh in my mind how this could (and in all likelihood, would) go.
It was 9 minutes until we were to meet my friend. I messaged her apologising and explaining the situation. As usual, she was lovely and understanding. But I felt terrible for letting her down - I'm the kind of person that sticks to plans unless unavoidable. Particularly as my friend is always so accommodating with our needs.
After another 15 minutes and a little trial in the garden, it was clear that George was not going to cope with a walk today.
I think I probably made the right call as bad experiences would linger for longer than skipping the walk (no walk is better than a stressful walk) but I doubted myself. Probably because I really wanted to go for a walk and get out of the house.
I felt really upset. My life is pretty isolated due to George's challenges. I only get out of the house to work (when he's at daycare), our weekly Sniffspot visit, and this walk with a friend.
With my new work arrangements, I often don't see another person for 4 days, aside from this walk.
I am usually pretty robust but this aborted walk hit hard. It's like all the restrictions and isolation hit me at once.
I tried to remember it is ok to be upset from time to time. And of course, I know it's not his fault.
He was confused by the aborted walk of course, and picked up on my upset. I tried to give him a lickimat but he wasn't interested. He did want to stay close to me though and eventually settled on my lap. Despite being the one to cause the chaos (well, the black cat started it), he wanted to stay close and sit with me through the upset.
It can be hard comforting another when you need comforting yourself!
But I will try to remember that this is a point in time.
It's ok to have hard days. It is really hard. It's ok to feel disappointed and frustrated. It is disappointing and frustrating. It's OK to feel upset and overwhelmed. It is upsetting and overwhelming. And it's ok to have a little cry every now and again.